When You Don’t Look Like Anything

A playwright’s 50-year search for the American character

1950–73: “Don’t Stare” There was ambivalence about performers in my family. Part of this was caused by middle-class-Negro hypervigilance about drawing attention, especially bad attention. I still get nervous when children are out of control in public. Growing up in 1960s Baltimore, my siblings and I did not dare be out of control in public. In our wildest dreams we could not have imagined a meltdown in, say, Hutzler’s department store, where colored people were not allowed to try on clothes, or to return items that didn’t work out. When my aunt Esther and I went shopping, she’d throw me her sit-up-straight eye. As Baltimore began to be less segregated, she went to exceptionally fancy stores. I remember sitting in a chic, hushed fur salon, straining not to do anything that would draw attention to myself as she tried on a mink stole. My inhibitions weren’t only about race; they were also about sin. My maternal grandmother was a Billy Graham–loving evangelical Christian. Grandma’s effect was far-reaching. We lived all the way across town, and my parents were not evangelical. Yet we were not allowed to dance on Sunday. I learned very early that one of my behaviors was unacceptable: staring. “Don’t stare.” “Close your mouth.” Staring was impolite. I should especially refrain from staring at white people. Stop looking at them. They are not interested in you. Why are you so interested in them? But I couldn’t help myself: I stared at everyone, of every color, especially everyone who was different from me in some way. But Grandma was also interested in white people. She arranged for my brother Deaver and me to attend a Christian camp in Pennsylvania, where I believe we were the only colored children. Deaver, then 6, had blue eyes and light-tan hair. As we packed for camp, family and friends made much of the fact that people would probably not really know that Deaver was a little colored boy. He’d be okay. They said less about how I would fare. But it turned out all right. I have no bad memories, except for the one about the white girl who tried to wash my hair. The result was, as we Black women say, “hair all over my head,” and my mother was beside herself about this when she came to pick me up. And yet Grandma’s preoccupation with sin didn’t keep her from being crazy about Sweetheart, who in many ways was transgressive. Grandma and Sweetheart were about the same age. They had grown up like sisters, though Sweetheart was actually Grandma’s niece. Sweetheart had left Baltimore in her 20s, gone to New York, passed as “Spanish,” become a chorus girl, and was “kept” (by a man). She left her daughter with Grandma, who already had eight children of her own. Sweetheart then moved to that faraway place with movie stars and Disneyland—California. She was gorgeous, charming, and funny. She sparkled. When she periodically returned to Baltimore, in fur coats and always with a different boyfriend, she was received like royalty. I never said more than the required “Hello, Auntie” before vanishing into another room. I was intimidated by her glamour. But when I found myself in San Francisco in the early 1970s, I sought her out. I’d left Baltimore in September 1971 with $80 and an overnight bag, looking for the revolution. The revolution was finished on the East Coast, but embers of it still glowed out West. I made my way up the coast from San Diego, stopping in Belmont, California, then a humdrum town not far from the airport where single stewardesses and the like lived in flat apartment buildings with tiny swimming pools. I worked for a year at a drive-in movie theater until I landed a job coordinating tutors at a junior college. My boss and his wife were Black, proud, and beautiful. They looked like they’d stepped out of a Hollywood movie. As activists who’d participated in the upheaval at Berkeley, they emanated late-’60s glamour. Dave never sat behind his desk, choosing instead to perch on a counter, puffing on a cigarillo, musing philosophically or railing against injustice. Jazz played in the background. The point of everything, he told me, was to change the world! He had a plan for me: “You need to get your Ph.D.!” In what? “Education!” I continued north to San Francisco. I was on a lark, with no place to live, and no real plan, but San Francisco was a lot more alive than Belmont. It was enchanting! The bay, the fog, the chill, the cable cars! I felt inspired—but to do what, I had no idea. I tried to get a job volunteering as a stage manager at a theater in town, only to learn that it was a union house. But I saw that they offered acting classes, so I decided to try one, just for fun. I auditioned and somehow was accepted. I hadn’t realized the place was a serious conservatory—turned out I’d have to go to school all day. Sweetheart and Eddie, her third or fourth husband, picked me up at the Greyhound station. Eddie, Chinese American, was a former chef who spoiled us nightly with delicious meals. His English appeared to be minimal, but it was hard to tell, because Auntie, now 80, and still sparkling, was a nonstop raconteur. The tenant in Auntie’s basement apartment had just left, so I took it, for $75 a month. I was the least likely person to wind up in a conservatory to study acting. I had no idea that people actually “studied” acting in the way that was unfolding in front of me. My classmates pirouetted down the hallways of the school. They sang Broadway tunes as they strode up and down the hills of San Francisco. One evening when I came home from acting class, Sweetheart handed me a letter from Grandma, who by then had been overtaken by dementia. “I hear you want to become an actress,” she had written in a messy scrawl. “Please don’t take off your clothes. Here’s five dollars, buy yourself a new dress. Love, Grandma.” Grandma’s effect was still far-reaching. Part of me wondered if what I was doing was sinful. I put the $5 in my pocket, and taped the letter inside my journal. If I was the least likely person to end up at that conservatory, the most likely person was a tall woman with a Philadelphia Main Line accent and vocal resonance. She looked like Katharine Hepburn. Everything she did had a sense of urgency. One night she rushed into the café where we’d planned to have a cheap dinner and said: “Beethoven’s Ninth starts in a few minutes at the cathedral! Let’s go.” We bolted the five blocks to Grace Cathedral, on Nob Hill. After only the first two words of “Ode to Joy”—O Freunde—my perpetual sense of non-belongingness was transformed into a sense of oneness. I was one with the chorus. I was one with the music. I was one with it all. The next morning, my forehead was on fire. “Can a performance give you the flu?” I asked our yoga teacher. She assured me that all was well. I had no disease. My chakras were opening and Beethoven was the cause. 1976: “You Don’t Look Like Anything” The acting class turned into a three-year commitment at the American Conservatory Theater, where I completed an M.F.A. in acting. When you finished conservatory and hit the road, your first stop was an agent’s office. I walked into the office of an agent who had a deal to meet the few of us who knew nothing about the business. I’d barely sat down on the couch when she stated perfunctorily: “I won’t be able to send you out.” Long pause. “You will antagonize my clients.” “Antagonize?” “You don’t look like anything.” Another long pause. “Will you go as Black or white?” This is when I finally got it, about the staring. Stop looking at them. Why are you so interested in them? They are not interested in you. About 20 years ago, I met a bull rider from Shoshone, Idaho, named Brent Williams. Here’s a photo of him, by the great photographer Diana Walker. Shove my face right into the metal chutes: Over the past two decades, I’ve said those words thousands of times. But it wasn’t until a few months ago that Brent’s words knocked on the door of my subconscious and released a memory into full consciousness: “You don’t look like anything.” Long pause. “Will you go as Black or white?” A Shoshone bull rider gave me the words to express what I’d felt on that agent’s couch. The casting couch holds many different kinds of offenses. 1977: New Rhythms, New Intentions A simple A-frame building with a huge wraparound porch in the Sierras near Lake Tahoe, California, was the headquarters of the Squaw Valley Community of Writers, a week-long conference where wannabe writers like me enjoyed tutorials with big shots: poets, novelists, screenwriters, directors. The place was peppered with East Coast literati, but the vibe wasn’t as pretentious as a certain East Coast theater workshop I’d attended where one of the directors walked around with a cigarette holder and a coat over his shoulders. No need to genuflect to Frank Pierson, who’d won the Best Screenplay Oscar for Dog Day Afternoon and been nominated for another, for Cool Hand Luke. No hush fell when Sam Shepard ambled into the beat-up saloon, and made his way to the pool table. I was in the hang on the wraparound porch when a car full of poet-teachers crossed the field and stopped in front of us. A rail-thin poet-teacher stepped out. He looked like a monk who’d been on a month-long fast. The guy had presence. He gave a public reading. I sat in the front row—nothing between us but a music stand. One of his poems was quite brief but, like Beethoven’s “Ode,” it caused a physical reaction. The next morning, all my muscles were sore, as if I’d just done a massive full-body workout or been beat up. Or was it the flu? At the welcome cocktail party that night, I walked right up to the poet and told him that I’d woken up with aching muscles and that I thought his poem was the cause. His face lit up. “That’s because I wrote that poem as a curse against my ex-wife.” he stated. The power of language comes from its intention. “Ode to Joy,” with lyrics from Friedrich Schiller’s poem, had been full of good intentions. The poet’s poem was full of bad intentions. His poem was written to make somebody feel some pain. As I developed my own artistic approach in the years to come, I never forgot this. 1979: Gatekeepers and “Hostile Circumstances” I’m in my fifth-floor walk-up in New York City. I’m living gig by gig now because I chose to leave a very fine tenure-track position at an excellent university for the sake of my “art.” Freed from the demands of being junior faculty, I walk dogs. I work as a temp in a JCPenney basement office. I work in the complaint department at KLM Airlines. (The complaint department was crucial to my development as a dramatist. Those letters of complaint were filled with drama and emotion.) One Sunday morning I hear two unusual voices coming out of the radio. By now my study of people’s speech and its effect has become for me a lifelong project. Drawn to the rhythmic differences in their vocal patterns, I grab a tape recorder and press “Record.” Turns out, the interview had originally taken place in 1959. This is a five-minute extract of a 20-minute conversation. The relationship between the gatekeepers and those of us who do not fit their picture depends on, to use Miss Hansberry’s word, circumstances. In 1993, 34 years after that recording was made, Toni Morrison would win the Nobel Prize. This would change how Black-women writers and intellectuals are regarded, and significantly open up opportunities for them. It did for me. 1979: Chasing That Which Is Not Me While still at acting school, I’d sought new dramatic forms. At that time, the American playwrights who were getting their work produced were white heterosexual-presenting males. Like others across the country, but not so many at my conservatory, I thought that our art form could benefit from fewer stereotypes, and from greater particularity, more physical details in characters who lived on our stages. I also thought the sonic life of the theater could use new rhythms, new intentions—like when bebop emerged on the jazz scene. I drew inspiration from something my grandfather used to say when we were kids: “If you say a word often enough, it becomes you.” In 1979, I set out with a tape recorder to record unique voices, unique stories, with the intention of becoming American word for word. My tape recorder was soon an appendage. I would interview people around the country, especially in moments of disruption and discord. It was in those moments that people spoke in sometimes-profound ways—as they tried to make sense out of disarray, tried to put together the exploded fragments of assumptions that follow catastrophe. This required chasing that which is not me. It was a chase that would never end. I called the overall project, which now includes about 18 plays (the first 12 never made it to major stages), “On the Road: A Search for American Character.” It meant embodying the words of people who were very different from me and with whom I did not agree, and absorbing them into my heart. What have I learned after interviewing thousands of Americans? Most do believe “you can make it if you try.” Even rebellion is a sign of belief in that credo. Why protest for fairness, equality, and dignity if you don’t think those things can exist? The Martinican poet and philosopher Édouard Glissant, a close comrade of Frantz Fanon, left revolution behind in favor of what he called the “poetics of relation.” “Sometimes,” Glissant wrote, “by taking up the problems of the Other, it is possible to find oneself.” The not-me and the me are related. In my work, my goal was to get to us. April 12, 2015: “Just a Glance” Freddie Gray is arrested and beaten. He dies in police custody. The beating is filmed. Riots explode in Baltimore. I interview the man who took the video, Kevin Moore: I asked Moore what triggered the incident. “Just a glance.” Don’t stare. Why are you so interested in those people? They are not interested in you. 2018: Brokenness and the Promise of Fairness I’m in Montgomery, Alabama, to do my pilgrimage to the National Memorial for Peace and Justice—commonly known as the “lynching memorial.” While there I am going to interview Bryan Stevenson, its founder. From a distance, the memorial is beautiful and majestic. In close proximity to the columns that constitute the memorial, a story of terror unfolds. There are 800 steel columns, each representing a county. On the columns are etched the names of people who were lynched there. Here’s a portion of what Stevenson told me: Stevenson believes in the promise of treating humans with dignity, as expressed by a law that should keep an intellectually disabled human from being executed. Stevenson believed in that promise all the way up to 50 minutes before the scheduled execution, when the Supreme Court denied his final appeal. Which is when he realized that he works with broken people in broken systems where promises are broken. Stevenson’s mother believed in the promise that she and her children should be treated equally. That’s why she screamed, “This is not right! This is not right!” When that promise was broken, his mother indicted the system. The preacher believed in the promise, which is why he got down on his knees and begged the doctor not to call the police and to give the other kids their shot. He surely knew that this promise was not yet realized in 1960s Delaware, where this scene took place—but he would not have begged if he did not believe that the promise of fairness was in sight. 2025: Errantry and Hope It’s around broken promises that we have a chance at restoring, changing, improving. But of course we need a deep belief in the promise to do that. I am particularly interested in what happens to language when a promise is broken. Sometimes the shards make something intoxicating. Such an assemblage of broken shards can be found Atopolis: for Édouard Glissant, an extraordinary 2014 painting by the late African American artist Jack Whitten, which is being exhibited at the Museum of Modern Art through August 2. Glissant, the Martinican poet and philosopher whose “poetics of relation” I mentioned earlier, said: “The thought of errantry is not apolitical nor is it inconsistent with the will to identity, which is, after all, nothing other than the search for a freedom within particular surroundings. One who is errant (who is no longer traveler, discoverer, or conqueror) strives to know the totality of the world yet already knows he will never accomplish this—and knows that is precisely where the threatened beauty of the world resides.” Whitten wrote the following about Atopolis: Elsewhere, Whitten wrote: “Ever since white imperialist entrepreneurs forced us into slavery, Black identity has been linked to our not having a ‘sense of place.’ This ‘sense of place’ for us had to be created through hard work involving all of our faculties of being.” In America, that hard work has been done with courage by individuals who have, to some extent, found “us” through: 1. Unique meetings of their “me”-ness and their “not me”–ness. (Sometimes there was bloodshed around that meeting.) 2. Recognizing when good intentions become bad intentions. 3. Practicing hospitality. 4. Manifesting grace. 5. Understanding that, as Senator Cory Booker once told me: “Black folks have to resurrect hope every day.” Amazing Grace In 2015, I interviewed the late Congressman John Lewis, and then portrayed him in my play and film Notes From the Field. Keep the faith, yes. But don’t look away. This essay was adapted from the 2024 Mellon Lectures at the National Gallery of Art.